Here we are, approaching the Christmas break and our unofficial halfway mark of the 2022/23 season. The season started full of optimism, with several new players in the league, others returning on a high from last year’s campaign, but this season is proving to somehow be a combination of terrible offence and horrible goaltending. With the sharp drop off in play, all three official leaderboards have seen massive shakeups in recent weeks, some teams have dropped while others are on a bit of a heater. And with that, let’s see how things look on this edition of the NBC Power Rankings.
Demonstrating the true power of these rankings, after some strong (but accurate) criticism of some APC players in the last edition, APC has dialed up the offence, and dialed down the suck. They now have 3 players in the top 5 for league scoring: Wes, Taz, and Todd Pope, while Rick Mullis sits just outside the top 10. This offensive outburst has propelled this team to a record of 3-0-1 in their last 4, and a new spot atop the power rankings. There are challenges looming though as APC has a tough schedule ahead, playing a red-hot Treetops squad twice in their next 3, and they’re also staring down an 8:30am puck drop for half of their next 6 games. That’s a stretch that could derail an entire season in this league.
Curtis Sholten used to be a top player in this league, and still stick handles harder than anyone to ever play the game. However, despite his official rating as an “A” player in this year’s draft, he is currently sitting on just 4 points. Statistically his equal, Josh Agar has recently resorted to publicly shaming Sholten’s figure in an effort to motivate him…or to get him to stop showering after the games. Either way, he’s trying to spark change. This may be a sign that cracks are starting to form in the locker room, and that’s not surprising since this team has only mustered 1 goal over their last 2 games. Mortgage Teacher has to hope that Motor will finally get tired of asking guys to rub his groin, and will instead return to the lineup, bringing a much needed spark to this offense with him.
As expected, Rhyno is in the league’s top 10 for scoring. Not expected, that Rhyno is Billy. Not that anyone should bring it up around the table at Christmas dinner, but on paper, Billy is 30% better at hockey than Shane, and Billy plays defence. Stats don’t lie.
While Justin Graham’s overachieving start to the year has come to an end and Shane has failed to live up to past production levels, the team has relied on other sources for offense. Case in point, future A player Amerigo Siviero recently powered Treetops to a win by notching his first hat trick of the season. Unfortunately for Amerigo, his wife probably didn’t believe him. Regardless, it’s that type of offensive depth that has helped to propel this team to make a little bit of a run, winning 3 in a row for the first win streak in franchise history. Along the way even Gibby was able to contribute something, finally stopping 5 shots in the same game and recording his first shutout of the season.
This team continues to lead the league with the fewest goals allowed but has also scored the second least. In fact, they’ve only scored 4 more goals than they’ve given up on the campaign. Not only do these stats make them the least watchable team in the league, but it also appears that the lack of offence is starting to hurt this team in the standings. This team has fallen off the pace of their hot start, only playing 0.500 hockey over their past 4 games, causing them to lose grip on first place. On the bright side, Lance Scott may set a record this year for the number of times a goalie is asked to spare for another team.
Like a Troy Glover slapshot to Erik Cochrane’s head, this team’s offense has been painful on the inside, but funny for everyone else to watch. The team is averaging only 2.25 goals per game over their last 4, and as a result we see them sliding down the standings and, more importantly, these power rankings. This is clearly not the type of offensive output you would expect from a team featuring some of the hardest triers in the league. In fact, perhaps the poster boy for underperforming effort givers, self-appointed team captain Josh Peters hasn’t recorded a point in over a month, and only has 4 points on the season. Random guys named Hickey and Voorn are putting up respectable numbers, but will it be enough to get this team back on track? With Erik in goal, you never know. Actually, yes you do. We all know. They’re in trouble.
No one likes to lose to a team with 5 players. That type of thing can demoralize a fragile group. Now imagine that team had 5 players and Cochrane in net. Double burn. In fact, this team has fallen so far that Darrell Porter been asked to take over as team sponsor, because these guys are shit. Without a single player contributing double digit points, this team has relied heavily on Ben Walmsley to carry the load. While Walmsley currently sits in a Vezina podium position, it’s unreasonable to expect things to turn around without any sort of offensive help from the rest of the team.
With the trade deadline passed and no help on the horizon, this team finally did something that most thought they never would; they won a game. With a modern day record goal differential of -20, it’s not hard to see why it took them so long to find the win column. With over half of the team contributing 1 point or less, it seems more likely that their first win will be their only, than the start of any type of run. If the DMHA Coach Selection committee finds out how poorly Carsey is running this team, it will likely be the last year he is allowed to coach his kids.